ZachEvans

Believer. Husband. Dad. Coach. Healthcare Thought-Leader. All-Around Good Guy.

Discipline

The Power of Yes

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As parents, Mandy and I feel that one of the most important gifts we can give our children is the gift of discipline. Perhaps contrary to prevailing beliefs, we do not feel that it is our job to give our children everything that they ask for. Discipline and self-control mean having the willpower to tell yourself “No”, and this means that we–as a means of teaching–end up telling our children “No” on a regular basis.

“No, you cannot each that candy before dinner.” “No, you cannot stay up until Midnight watching that movie.” “No,  you cannot quit the team that you have committed to.” These comments, and all of their similar variances, are common utterances by any parent. And the stakes of the “Nos” only increase with age. “No, you cannot date that boy/girl.” “No, you cannot drink alcohol until you are older.” “No, you cannot make that choice on your own.”

I was reminded last night, however, of the power of saying “Yes” by my six year-old son, Seth.

I have always been a very active participant in my children’s bedtime routines. I enjoy reading to them, singing songs with them, and praying over them before they close their eyes. Some nights these routines are long and drawn-out because we have extra time. Other nights they are short and to the point because we have returned home after a late night of activities. Some nights, however, the routines are shortened because Mandy and I simply do not have much energy left and need the kids to go bed.

Last night could have been one such night. It had been a long weekend of being indoors because of an inordinate amount of rain (which wiped out a weekend of baseball) and we were all going a bit stir-crazy. After reading Seth and Ethan two books while sitting on the floor with them Seth asked me if I would “Superman” him in to bed (a process whereby they “fly” in my arms with their hands held out in front of their bodies and then I drop them on to their bed). I told him, “No”.

Seth, to his credit, did not complain. He did not whine. He simply looked at me with big eyes, accepted my answer, and hopped up in to bed. In that flash of time, however, I saw a glimpse of a future where I would be wishing Seth would ask me to “Superman” him in to bed but he no longer asks. His childish wishes and tendencies having been replaced by a blooming maturity that foreshadows the man he will become.

So, after singing a song with both them, I told Seth and Ethan to stand up because I was going to “Superman” them in to bed. Eyes returned to their large state but this time were joined by ear-to-ear smiles and giggles as they took a trip around the room in my arms. Changing one word did not radically change any of our days.

Or perhaps it did.

In a world filled with necessary “Nos”, it was a poignant reminder of the power of saying, “Yes”. Two little boys (and one father) were able to share a sweet, fun moment that will become part of the tie that binds them together forever. There is value in teaching our children when to say, “No”. But there is also unbelievable power in showing them what it means to say, “Yes”.

The Downside of Success

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All parents hope to give their kids a better life than the one they experienced growing up. This is not a knock on their own parents, but an aspiration born out of love and the desire to succeed for the benefit of their kids. I feel this way about my own children. Mandy and I have had several conversations over the years about what this could look like for our kids and how we would manage to not raised spoiled, self-centered children while working to out-do our own childhoods.

I began working at a very early age. I worked full-time in the summer starting about the age of 13 (in a machine shop, no less!). My parents were able to meet all of my financial needs growing up but there was never a lot of extra money lying around so I knew that I needed to earn some money of my own both to pay for the normal expenses of a teenager as well as to save what I could for college. I worked hard in high school, got accepted and worked hard in college, and started my career by working hard to uncover my first job (along with several internships along the way).

I am a driven person that enjoys to work. I have been blessed to enjoy several successes in my career. I am able to give money to charity, provide for my family and put my children in some of the best public schools in America. But I struggle with the question of how I pass along these blessings to my children while also instilling in them the same drive and work ethic that I have.

This dilemma is one of the downsides of success. I also think it is one of the reasons that only 15 percent of people think today’s children will be better off than their parents. Some may believe that our children will not be better off than we are because we have, collectively, set the bar to high or that the barriers to success are to great to be overcome by so many. I, for one, do not agree with this viewpoint. I believe that people believe this because we have created (and continue to create) generations of young people that feel they are entitled to success rather than needing to work hard to succeed.

We see it all around us. In the college grads that display a shocking lack of professionalism in the workplace. In the young people that want their parents to take on tens-of-thousands of dollars in debt to pay for a college degree that has no chance of delivering a meaningful return on the investment. In the twenty-somethings that have no idea what discipline is or how satisfying it can be to practice delayed-gratification and, instead, rack up mountains of credit card debt funding their lifestyle.

I am not exactly sure when I became the old man complaining about the out-of-touch young people but I am pretty sure it started happening when I had kids of my own. It started happening when I felt like I needed to start developing a plan to raise children that have the drive to succeed in whatever it is that they do with their lives. It started when I decided not to give in to one of the downsides of success.